Day by Day

Well, some things have taken place latley that have made us push ahead and demand the best for Caleb. We have him seeing a new Dr, changed some medicines, got him in with a therapist again. We’ve tried thereapy before, and got no where with it because Caleb wouldn’t open up. He seems to really like his new therapist and they seem to get along well, so let’s hope it’s a match. We are also persuing family therapy in hopes to bring us closer in understanding each other. Every day is a constant struggle for Caleb and us as a family. We may be able to predict certain things that will trigger him, however, each new day can also mean new triggers. It could be a certain smell, the way a certain item of clothing feels on his skin, or maybe just too much stimulation. Unless you have peronally seen this or live with it everyday, you may be able empathize, but not fully understand what a toll it takes on everybody involved. I’ve had people ask me often, if Caleb will “grow out of this?”. No, he will not grow out of it, his brain is wired differently, and he will always see things and interpret things differently. That doesn’t make him a” bad person, or a spoiled kid trying to get his way”. He is unique, energettic and very much his own person. He CAN live a productive life, but will always need extra encouragement in life. I was told by his Dr, that I ” will never have the bond with Caleb that I have with the other two”. It doesn’t mean I won’t have a bond with him, it just means it will have to be on his terms. I have to admit it hurt to hear that, but I also understand it’s just the way it is, and I’m thankful to be able to be in his life, and have any type of bond with him. I just really wish that more people could be understanding and more compassonaite , not just with my family, but with all families that struggle with this day to day. When you are in a store and see a child throwing a tantrum, and the parent looking frazzled and exhausted, please don’t jump to the conclusion that the parent is not a good parent and their child is a brat, you don’t know them or their story. Instead, try  kind smile of encouragement to the parent, you never know, that might be just what that parent needs at that very moment to gather the strength to get the child through the meltdown. It’s a big deal for us as parents to take these children out in the “real world”, knowing that a meltdown could happen at any momemt. now, you might be thinking, ” well if it’s that bad, just stay home with the child. We can’t do that, these children need to be out and experience things, and it is our jobs to try to teach them how to adjust in the “real world”. Would it be easier to just stay home and not disturb their routine, yes it would be, but it’s not realistic. Sooner or later, these children need to try to spread their wings, little by little. If we didn’t fight for our children, people would judge and think we were awful parent’s, but yet when we do fight, people still judge and think we are mean and nasty. Please remember, none of us chose this life, it chose us, and we are fighting for our children, and will continue to fight for them, it’s just what we do.

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It’s been a while

It’s been over a year since I last posted anything. The reason being, well life! Since I started this blog I’ve gotten a ton of support and I am very great full for that. Also, I have people who don’t like what I have to say, and that’s fine too, we are all entitled to our opinions and feelings. Last year my family was going through a lot as you read, however, what a lot of you didn’t know was that right before we had the outside source coming in to help, we got a call that my husband was being deployed for 6 months. Now, you might be thinking 6 months??, that’s not long, and it’s really not in comparison to the 1-2 years some are deployed. He also was still in the states which was a good thing. Now, with that said, you tell a child who craves structure and routine, and consistency,that his dad is leaving for 6 months there is bound to be trouble. Also, we only had 2 days notice of this ourselves. Then I had to deal with all the school issues by myself, the kids, the house and everything and I was overwhelmed. Of course I wasn’t going to tell everyone who reads this every little detail of my life, there were some who judged, and wrote a nasty response to one of my posts. They also put personal information in that response , so I couldn’t post it so those of you who support me could read it.

So here we are June, 2012, Caleb is a freshman in highschool, joined the HS swim team and is still struggling to fit in. We no longer have the outside source coming in to help, because after a year, they determined that Caleb needed more help than they could give for him. So, we are working VERY hard to get him a more intensive level of help. He is still having behavior issues, meltdowns and has a very hard time in general. The transition into HS for Caleb was rough, as it is for some freshmen. There’s the fear of upper classmen, adjusting to a new bigger school,  new teachers and on and on. While most kids do fine, some do not. Caleb however, appears  ”fine and adjusted” at school, to the school, but when he gets home in his comfort zone, he unloads all the fears, anger, frustration from the day. Some say “because he is fine at school, and they see no behavior issues at school, he doesn’t need help”. What these “some” don’t know is that is the nature of his disability, he can keep it together while in the school environment, then when he gets home, it’s “safe”, and he is comfortable to act out and let loose. In Caleb’s case, he is high functioning enough to realize that the school won’t tolerate him acting violent, and they have severe consequences.

There are still A LOT of issues we need to work through, as a family and with the school. It is a day-to-day situation that we need deal with. I have learned SO much about Caleb, and myself and I am STILL learning, and will continue to learn and help him in any way possible. Some think that I am a bitch, well if that is what I need to be to get my child what he needs to achieve to the life he deserves, then so be it. I’ve learned that I need to be Caleb’s voice for now, and fight for him until he learns to fight for himself. I will NOT back down just like any parent who only wants the best for their child. Caleb is a great kid who is faced with hard challenges and a long road ahead of him. We WILL get through this as a family, and I’m convinced we will be better for it. Maybe one day we can look back on our struggle and able to help others who are just starting this journey.

Random Thoughts

First off I would like to start by saying THANK YOU to all who read my blog and support me : ), even if you don’t support me, THANK YOU too, for sharing my blog with others, it has really gone up in numbers lately. : ) I also appreciate the comments, but am asking that IF you know me, or of me personally, and choose to comment, Please don’t put any of my personal info. in your comments because I don’t have any of that in here for a reason, and by naming personal things about me is a sure-fire way to NOT have your comments published.  There are such things as PRIVACY, I learned about that while “looking into slander laws”. I also checked the correct way to spell bullying, and it’s not “bulling”. On to the past few days. Caleb’s behavior has been really good and it seems he is trying A LOT harder. I think he wants to succeed and he is so happy when he does good things and gets LOTS of praise for them. It could also be that I am not “exposing him to my explosive temper” too. He had a Dr. visit, and THE DR. changed his medication a bit, and he seems to feel better too. I would also like to say that I don’t make the changes in medication, THE DR. does. I can’t just go to the pharmacy and say “hey, can you give me this so I can medicate my son”.  It seems that Caleb is doing some what better in school, and I have had 3 positive interactions with the school. : ) He has gotten good grades in science and it seems that he’s trying harder than before. Things are going better, but we take it day by day, sometimes hour by hour. I have been in better spirits just by knowing Caleb is doing better. In all of my “free time”, I have cleaned, I keep up with laundry everyday, write checks for lunches, or pack them, taken care of everything  that needs done around the house, running the boys to baseball practices 4 days a week, taking the youngest one to and from pre-school, who by the way only goes 9 hours a week, so it’s not an all day thing (wanted to clear that up, incase anyone was wondering) and I spend my evenings that I’m not running to baseball practices, getting everyone’s things ready for the next day, going over homework, having family dinners with my kids, and spending time with them. Just because I don’t have a job out of the home during the day, DOES NOT mean that I sit around all day doing nothing. IN MY OPINION, being a stay at home Mom is also a job, we don’t get a monetary paycheck , but do get a lot of rewards, and we still have responsibilities. Our days don’t consist of watching soap operas and eating Bon-Bons. I would also like to say that I’m NOT knocking working mother’s either, they have all of my respect.  The outside source and I are working together to come up with different incentives to help Caleb succeed. Caleb has had 12 years of “learned behaviors”, ( NOT learned by me, just FYI) and now we have to help him re-learn the correct way to behave and how handle several situations that are difficult for him. This is a long process, not an over night thing, and our whole family has to re-learn right along with him. I THINK that change is difficult for anyone, and takes time. I also know that I ’m criticized for things I do and say, in the interest of my children, and ya know what?? That’s okay, because I don’t wake up everyday to impress anyone. I wake up everyday to take care of my children and be there for them in any way possible. It was brought to my attention that ”maybe I should  look into anger management sessions to help me deal with my stress”, Thank you for the suggestion, but I think that I might look into a yoga class, in my “FREE TIME” that is. That is also why I started this blog, as a stress outlet for MY OPINIONS. Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. : )

Thank You

This morning at 7:45 am, the ast.principle called with Caleb and the resource officer in the room. They had his statement, and were talking to him, then going to pull the other child in to question him. By 8:30 am, they called back and told me they had questioned the other child, and had disiciplined him. The resource officer also informed the child that because he put his hands on Caleb, and they had PROOF that I have the right, as Caleb’s parent to press charges on him. They also called his mother and informed her of the issue and the punishment, and of my rights. Now, being a parent, I don’t have the heart to press charges on this child. I don’t know his story. How do I know that he’s not pushed around at home and comes to school and takes it out there. While that is No excuse to put his hands on my child, I still don’t feel good about putting this child in the criminal system. I did inform the officer that IF this child puts his hand on my child again, I WILL press charges. She assured me that she told the child that also. I feel better (for now) about the situation.  The school stepped up ! I will add that it’s a shame that it had to take something like this to get them to do it.

Again?

Not even 2 hours after I posted my last post, Caleb came in from school and said that this kid that we’ve had this ongoing problem with, “pushed him down into the metal frame of the doorway in school and said snitch”. He pulled up his pant leg and there was a red raised welt, and a bruise. I went into ”Monster mom mode”,  Luckily for us, the outside source was here to calmly talk Caleb through the events that had taken place.  We got the story and I picked up the phone and called the contact woman from the school board, no answer. I tried for 10 mins. I then called the middle school and requested to speak to the resource officer and informed that ”she wasn’t available”. I then asked to speak to someone about this issue. The receptionist asked if “it could wait until tomorrow because no one was available”. Nope, NOT good enough! So I told the outside source what I had planned to do, told Caleb to put his shoes and jacket on and get in the truck. I drove straight to the school board office, marched in the building and to the check in office. No one was there, so I directed Caleb and the outside source to the stairs and we marched right up. They were holding a”Code of Conduct” meeting, and I heard the contact woman speaking to a room of people.  So, I stood there and listened for a bit, then jumped back when someone came out the door. I was embarrassed because I got caught…..Oh well. To my surprise it was the head of transportation ,whom I’ve already talked to and he was willing to help. I had Caleb tell him the events of the day and show him his leg. He was writing everything down. Then he walked back into the room and came back out with the ast. principal. My first thought was “awe shit, this is pointless”, while when he walked out and saw us he muttered “Oh great”. Caleb went on to tell him what happened, and showed him the marks on his leg. He then informed us that he wanted  “Caleb to write a statement and give it to him in the morning”. Then the ast. principal said he may call the resource officer from the middle school into meet with Caleb. I then requested that I be there because the uniform intimidates Caleb and I was afraid he would freeze. The ast. principle assured me he would call me and have me there to support Caleb. So we leave there and drive by the middle school and see that the resource officer is there. Caleb really wanted to stop by and talk to her then with me and the outside source with him, so to ease his anxiety we did. We talked to the officer and she reassured Caleb that she was going to talk to this kid tomorrow and look into it. She also informed me, after she saw the mark and welts on his leg that I have a legal right to press charges on this child because he assaulted my child and left marks. I told the officer that I do NOT want to put a 13-year-old child in the juvenile system, UNLESS he does it again, and that I would rather it be handled within the school’s discipline policy. She assured me that she would call me tomorrow and let me know as much as she could about how it goes. So, now I guess I wait. I DO plan on calling ASAP in the morning to talk to the resource officer about some concerns I have. If this child got talked to today, got pissed enough to push Caleb down and call him “a snitch”, what is he going to do to him after he’s questioned tomorrow? So………I guess I will update tomorrow with what will hopefully be a positive result. Stay tuned : )

The Meeting

So last Tuesday,  after I was finally contacted by the person I was waiting on,( after I called her twice and left 2 messages )we talked for about an hour on the phone. An hour later she called me back with a possible solution. She and the guy from transportation had talked and decided that they could put Caleb on the high school bus with my 15-year-old, and the bus driver Caleb had from 4th grade until he went into middle school. I told her I needed to speak to both boys first and would get back to her. Both boys agreed. Wednesday, after I dropped my youngest off at pre-school, I drive straight to the school board and had every intention of going to the middle school afterwards to speak with the ast. principal, because I had a list of questions that I wanted answered. I talked to the head of transportation and we decided that Caleb would ride the new bus starting Friday am. I then requested to talk to the contact woman in person and she met with open arms and a hug. Not sure if she was hugging me because I had chosen not to go to the police and the local paper or not. I ended up staying and talking to her for 2 hours, and after leaving her office I felt that she was genuine and really wanted to help. We decided we would have an IEP to see if we needed to add anything for the bus, and I asked if my outside source that works with Caleb could attend because she wanted to talk about discipline strategies. Who better than the person who works with Caleb on his behaviors? I didn’t have time to go to the middle school, and really didn’t feel that I needed to. In the meantime, I had a go round with the 8th grade guidance counselor,  needless to say I wasn’t nice, (and in other words that I won’t use on here) told her to NOT contact me  anymore and that I”didnt want anything to do with her anymore. I know, you’re probably thinking..”Why would she do that”? But…I’ve been fighting these people for a year and a half, and they talk a pretty story, but when push comes to shove, they run with their tails tucked between their legs and deny what they said while talking their pretty story. So, on to Monday, March 14th, 2011 at 9:45 am. I met my outside source outside of the building, and we walked in together as a “team”. We checked in at the office and were asked to have a seat. Meanwhile, I’m so nervous that I didn’t know if I was going to pass out or throw up. I tried really hard NOT to base this meeting on my last meeting, where “that woman” who calls herself a principle, berated, belittled and blamed me for Caleb’s Asperger’s. We were then met by the contact woman from the school board and led down a hall to a board room that was large and intimidating. We chose our seats and waited for others to arrive. Then the ast. principle walked in and it was VERY obvious that he was on the defense, and stayed that way the WHOLE time. The IEP part of the meeting went fine. Then I requested to be permitted  to question the ast. principle about the protocol, or lack of. I’m not going to go word for word or blow-by-blow, but I will tell you that this is when it got HEATED. He lunged forward in his seat, and you bet your ass I went right back at him. That’s when my outside source called a brief recess. I got up and walked out and my outside source followed me. While in the hallway we concluded that something was going on and they were “covering their asses”. I took a couple deep breaths and gathered my thoughts about what I was going to say when I went back in. When I returned, I asked “what could be done about this situation”? The contact woman from the school board informed me that, “with no tape, nothing could be done, and that we should just look at this as a lesson learned”. I asked, ”a lesson learned at Caleb’s expense?”, she paused and said “well yes.” So, now I have NO ONE in the school, where my son spends a good chunk of his day, that I trust.  Now, I have been told that they are “looking more into the bus incident, and re-opening the complaint I had against “that woman” who calls herself a principle. I have also heard there are aliens in space, but I’ll believe it when I see it, just like I’ll believe the school board when they show me some proof. I did talk to a Deputy from the local police department to see what recourse I have with this issue. He advised me to “speak to the resource officer at the school”…um yea right, she’s in “that woman’s” back pocket as far as I can tell. Caleb also told me that he talked to her ( the resource officer) and she said “she would look into it”, and here it is almost 1 month after, and no word. So… I have a 3 options. 1- go to the local paper and spill my whole experiences with the middle school, and school board. IF I do that, how much more bullying am I opening Caleb up to, and not to mention my other 2 children. 2- Wait it out and see IF the school board will come to their senses, and do the RIGHT thing for once , or 3-totally lose it and risk getting arrested. For those of you who don’t live here in the area, the school board really CAN NOT afford any more publicity. In the past 2 months, we have had 1 student at my son’s high school, who was jumped, beaten and is now drinking his meals through a straw, due to a fractured jaw in 3 places. His parents chose to keep him home and home school him. The kid that jumped him was allowed back in school.  Then we had a 5th grader who had a knife held to his throat in class, by another student, and was told if he told, he would” bring a bigger knife the next time”. That victim’s parents pulled him out of school and chose to home school him for fear of his safety. The child who brought the knife got 12 days suspension, and a home room change,and is back at school. My son, had to change busses, and the child who hit him is free to ride the other bus. WHY are the victims forced to back away, and the bullies allowed to return? That is what happens when you have administrators who “sweep everything under the rug”, and a school board who covers for them to save their own asses. So, I am going back and forth on what to do. IF I sit back and do nothing, the school board, administrators and their beloved bullies win. If I fight it, I open my kids up to MORE crap, and IF I go with my instinct, I’ll be arrested. Right now, I’m torn between my head, my heart, and my “momma bear” instincts.